Verbal Abuse

When future cultural anthropologists are sifting through the artifacts of the 21st century, they may very well find the record of our downfall in the breakdown of our language. No doubt they will focus not on the noble prose of an advanced people, but on the textual vomit that was “2 L8 2 B OF N E GOOD.” When you look at the pathetic excuse for language that shows up in the majority of text messages, you can almost hear the future of human communication disintegrating.

The incorrect use of punctuation is an all too common occurrence. I was driving through the South a few years ago, when I saw a store window advertising “Milk.” Quotation marks used in this way would, obviously, be correct were the liquid in question anything but milk, which, in fact it was. Quotation marks have a wide variety of correct uses, none of which is in play here. What would your reaction be if a pet store were advertising a special on “Cats?” If you are anything like me, you might assume that the animal in question was some sort of strange hybrid or genetically mutated species.

You may not think so, but the incorrect usage of punctuation can actually be a very dangerous thing. In her wonderful book Eats, Shoots & Leaves, author Lynne Trusse gives this example:

“A panda walks into a caf퀌�. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons. ‘Why?’ asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife guide and tosses it over his shoulder.

‘Well, I’m a panda,’ he says at the door. ‘Look it up.’ The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. ‘Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'”

The emphasis here is obviously on the fact that the wildlife guide is badly punctuated, thus leading to the rather unfortunate loss of life at the paws of one of these majestic and amazingly literal-minded animals. Now I know that not every misuse or abuse of the English language is going to get someone killed, but I feel like at least one of my brain cells dies every time I have to put up with yet another “Kwik Shop” selling “product.”

For example, future generations may well puzzle over the way the word “product” is used when referring to hair care. I cannot think of a single other industry that has the gall to simply say “product” and not feel the need to elaborate. How much time would be wasted at the local mechanic if they told you, “Well, your moving part is done busted, and the area is worn through. Our best bet is that you need some stuff, of which we recommend the one with the added ingredient. You need the added ingredient, because it makes the first ingredient work all that much better, trust us on that one.” We would never stand for that, but we think nothing of it at the salon.

In the end, we as a modern society need to hold on to the advances in language that got us where we are and never lose sight of what could happen if we let everything slowly deteriorate to some sort of grunting finale. If he were living in another empire not unlike his own in its inevitable failure, Nero would undoubtedly have a violin ring tone playing on his phone while he watched the Portland building burn. He may have been texting about “czr” being “2 cool,” but that was his fate, and it shouldn’t be ours. Remember: u r not 2 l8 2 b aware of the power of language.