Video Fun with Biff

I miss the kids. Whatever happened to all of the wonderful movies starring kids who could actually act and who swore repeatedly? I miss those kids.

Biff’s had just about enough of the overrated Haley Joel Osments of today, what with their charming good looks and mature behavior. Did anybody see that Rory Culkin kid in “Signs” this summer? That kid acted more mature than I do. If aliens were breaking into my house right now, I would be spastic, let alone when I was 10 years old.

Well, here’s the deal: There needs to be more movies with kids who swear.

See, now this is the genius of the ’70s and ’80s. During these glorious decades, people just couldn’t get enough of swearing kids. That’s it, I said it. Let’s move on.

The granddaddy of all movies starring foul-mouthed kids is also the quintessential baseball movie, “The Bad News Bears.”

Sure, this 1976 gem had Walter Matthau as that always drunk and surly Buttermaker, but it’s all about Kelly. Now if you don’t remember, Kelly, played by Jackie Earl Haley, was the outlaw of the Bears. He was a little older and drove a dirt-bike-looking transport. He smoked; he had really bitchin’ three-quarter-sleeve T-shirts (skintight, of course) and long, greasy feathered hair; and he didn’t care about anything or anyone. Kelly was all man, baby. And, boy, could that kid swing a bat. With his trusty cigarettes and signs of child abuse, Kelly led the Bears on a series of swearing adventures.

Speaking of swearing adventures, who could forget another masterpiece of adolescent debauchery, “The Goonies,” or “The Goon Docks” as Biff calls it. Yeah, you heard me. Make fun all you want.

Anyways, like I was saying, “The Goonies” stars two of Biff’s favorite actors of all time, Corey Feldman and Sean Astin. These two kids act circles around any of the hack kid actors that Hollywood’s turning out these days. Your precious Frankie Muniz could never explain, en Espa퀌�ol, how to separate the drugs to a maid, let alone deliver the powerful monologue about taking his wish back from the wishing well. Sean Astin shows early signs of genius in his now infamous call to arms: “That’s their time up there. But down here, it’s our time. It’s our time down here”. Beautiful. People always forget this about “The Goon Docks,” but these kids curse up a storm. There are S-words flying everywhere. And that’s really what it’s all about, isn’t it? Yes, the swearing.

Don’t forget about Feldman’s other swear-athon, the 1986 feature “Stand By Me.” The pure lack of adults is what makes this movie awesome. The oldest person in this film is Kiefer Sutherland, who was probably about 20 at the time, although he’s always looked 42 anyway.

Feldman and friends go on an adventure to find a dead body and swear and cry and then swear some more. If you can ignore Wil Wheaton’s sniveling, whiny, crybaby stuff, then this movie will surely please. River Pheonix, now there’s a kid who could act and swear. Yes, those were the days.

How could we forget about “The Lord of the Flies”? Not the old black-and-white version but the new-and-improved one with Balthazar Getty from 1990.

This is one of Biff’s all time favorites. Basically, a whole bunch of kids find themselves stranded on an island, and then they resort to primal instincts. The kid who plays Jack is just das-das-dastardly, and how can you forget Piggy, the kid with the glasses?

“The Lord of the Flies” definitely delivers in the swear category, but it really ups the ante. This one also has kids stalking and killing their own game. Now that is entertainment! Let’s see one of those pesky Olsen twins try that. It’s all about the conch, man. You’ve got to have the conch.

There you have it. Biff has laid it down for you in plain English: Movies with kids swearing is where it’s at. In case you are wondering, Biff does not include the 1995 film “Kids” because the kids in question are too old. However, this movie is good for watching teen-agers smoking pot and beating each other with skateboards.

Biff doesn’t know why Hollywood is scared of making kids curse. Maybe the magic child actor pool has run dry. Who knows? For now, all we have are these gems that expose kids for what they really are: perverted little swear factories. Tah tah!