I, a gomer, talked to some nerds who claimed they were dorks and we conversed about the meaning of our inherent nerdy-/dorky-ness.


Anonymous 1


What’s a nerd?

A nerd? Like how do you mean?


A nerd! Not like the candy, the person, the name, the archetype, or I guess the derogatory term.

I think of nerd, as opposed to geek, as more of like a science fiction kind of guy who lives in his parents’ basement.


What are the attributes of nerds?

Tiny. Candy-coated and a little bit sour.


Well, those are candies. I told you in the beginning, we’re talking about the term. When you think of a nerd, not the candy, what do you think of?

Can’t be over 5’7” and has to be a guy, girls can’t be nerds.


What about personality?

Personality? What personality?


You don’t think they have personality?

No, dweebs do.


What’s the difference between a nerd and a dweeb.

About a foot.


Anonymous 2


Dweebs are worse than nerds, dweebs are like the lowest echelon, and then you have nerds.

A1: I like dweebs.

A2: And then you have dorks and dorks are kind of OK, and then you have geeks and geeks are – no, geeks are kind of OK and dorks are like awesome! Dorks are kind of like the cool people who played a little bit of D ‘n’ D in high school, but not a lot. They know a lot about comic books and they like video games, but not a terrible lot, and you can talk to them about stuff, and they have a lot of imagination, but they just don’t fit into the mainstream.

A1: And they’re named after whale penises.

A2: Right! Exactly!

A1: Just inherently cool.

A2: Geeks are named after the people in the circus who have, like, beards.

A1: Right, geeks bite the heads off chickens!


Where do ‘gomers’ fit into all this?

A1: That’s a very old-timey term.

A2: They’re in the South.


I don’t think it’s an old-timey term. See, I have my own definition: dorks are people who, because they are not the most social, tend to gravitate towards comic books. D ‘n’ D nerds, on the other hand, are people who are so cerebral that they don’t really think about developing social connections. Geeks are just uber-technical nerds and gomers are just uber-dorks.

A2: Gomers, I think there’s an element of living with their mother perhaps, and not having all of their teeth. A lower echelon, that’s almost like –

A1: A cretin!

A2: A cretin, yeah. They’re almost inbred, but they really like reading their technical manuals.


Cretin comes from the word ‘Christian’ because it was a term that applied to those who were retarded, and in order that people not condescend to them, the term was to remind people that they were still Christians. Cretin comes from the French word for Christian, ‘chretien.’ They’re Christians, just like us.

A2: So, you’re not so much interviewing as giving etymological explanations.


I’m giving as well as getting.

A1: What do you think Bill Gates is?


Bill Gates is a nerd! He’s a really cerebral person he, ahh – Forget it! Do you two know any dorks or nerds?

A2: I am a dork. I play video games and I spend a lot of time alone, reading.


According to my definition, you’re a nerd.

A2: No, ’cause I don’t like math all that much.


That’s a geek.

A2: I don’t want to be a nerd, nerds are gross! I’m a beautiful and glamorous person.


I’m a dork – no – I’m definitely a gomer.

A2: You are wearing plaid.


And my teeth are all fucked up – do you know any geeks?

A1: I don’t think so.


Do you know any nerds?

A1: No, I don’t know.

A2: I’m not a nerd! Under what definition am I a nerd?


Under my definition, a nerd is someone who is so cerebral that they don’t really develop –

A2: But I’m not really cerebral, I’m highly emotional and insane, that’s different.

A1: I might be a nerd.


Those both might apply to nerdness.

A2: I’m gonna cry, like last week a friend of mine called me disheveled, and now you’re calling me a nerd! Everybody is fucking attacking me!


I’m not attacking you. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m a dork and that’s a little lower on the social-outcast scale.

A2: You think so? I think dorks are higher.

A1: I think nerds, and then gomers, then dweebs, and then geeks.

A2: Geeks make money doing what they do, and then nerds – nerds spend a lot of time doing calculus. My father is a nerd, my brother’s a geek, and I’m a dork. I come from a long line.


What about jocks?

A2: I don’t know anything about those people.

A1: I think jocks can seem like dorks and nerds as well.


Do you think there are certain dorks, nerds and dweebs that try to pretend that they’re not like that?

A2: I spent several years wearing mini-skirts and high heels trying to prove that I was not one of those people.


Did it work?

A2: Somewhat, I was a sexy dork.


There can be sexy dorks and sexy nerds. I don’t think I’m one of them, but that is possible.

A1: I think once they hit thirty, they stop pretending they’re what they are. They just accept it.


Do you think that’s the most important thing of all, accepting one’s dweebness or dorkness or gomerness?

A1: I’m not so sure that’s the best thing. I think you should be many things at once.