What to do in Portland when you’re dead broke

Spring break’s right around the corner and we’re all looking forward to much-needed down time. Unfortunately, it’s tough to come up with the cash for that trip to Cancun. But just because you’re stuck at home doesn’t mean your break has to suck. The Vanguard is here to help with a guide to spring break on a college student budget. (Note: The Vanguard does not actually recommend that you perform any illegal, dangerous, or life-threatening activities. This is meant to be fuuuuuuuuunnnnnyyyyyy!)

Go tanning on the roof

Who needs the sun and surf of the South Pacific when Portland has so many great high-rise roofs to choose from? Just grab a bathing suit (or don’t), some suntan lotion and your favorite shades and head up to the top of the nearest apartment or office building. The beach is always crowded anyway.

Drinking!

Aside from partying, spring break is known for…no wait, it’s just partying. But hey, a rainy overcast day in the city, curled up with a good bottle of booze, works just as well as wringing it out of some drunk co-ed’s shirt, right? Portland is home to numerous dives for the alcoholically inclined, and generally the shittier draughts are cheap. But really, the best thing about drinking is you can do it anywhere-on the Max, dodging traffic, on a bike, at the zoo…

People watching

Really bored on break? All your friends went on vacation without you? Why not kill two birds with one stone by getting your voyeur on and living vicariously through others while people watching? This is especially good if you’ve got binoculars or a camera with a long zoom lens. And, if you’re wheelchair-bound and live near an adjacent apartment complex, who knows what kinds of excitement could happen.

Watch some movies

After a busy term, you’ve finally got some time to sit down and watch all the movies you rented or forgot about. Invite over some casual acquaintances, or strangers, and make them sit through your collection of pretentious 40-year-old art-house films. Once the movie’s finished, lock the door and don’t let them leave until they can correctly answer a bunch of movie trivia. It’s more fun than trivial pursuit!

Ask the Powell’s staff about obscure book titles

Everyone loves Powell’s, even if they don’t read. Get on the internet and look up the most obscure books you can think of. See if you can stump the employees. If you really want to play with them, throw in a crappy album title from some band no one remembers, or make some books up.

Take pictures of you and your friends and Photoshop them into the tropics

If you’re really feeling down about not getting to go down and partake in excessive overdrinking and OD’ing on E, put yourself in the heart of the action with your friend and mine: Photoshop. Open a few choice pictures of you and your friends, find a good tropical background, and cut and paste yourself to coconut-filled bliss. Don’t have any friends? No problem–just use pictures of strangers and try not to cry too much.

Crash a cocktail party

Eavesdrop on conversations in the trendy, elite clubs and gallery spaces of the Pearl or Northwest, to find out where some black-tie or cocktail events might be. If you happen to match the place’s dress code, and you’ve got a silver tongue, you might even be able to fake your way into these upper echelons without resorting to complete dishonesty. Just grab an old suit from Goodwill (or borrow one from somewhere) and hope you sound convincing that you know what you’re talking about.

Visit your favorite college professors

If your parents don’t live nearby, why not go hang out with your favorite college professors? They’re not going anywhere and would really love to get pestered by students over break. They especially like it if you show up unannounced at their door at 3 a.m. with an Ouija board, a bottle of cheap whiskey and a bucket of fried chicken or the vegetarian equivalent. Who doesn’t love Ouija?

Harass protesters in front of Schumaker’s

Even with news that Greg Schumaker is closing up shop for good within city limits, there are still straggler activists that apparently missed the news. Why not give them a taste of their own medicine by picketing signs with slogans like “The store’s closing, you won, jackass,” or “Go beat your dead horse elsewhere.” The Vanguard is all for freedom of speech, but please, stay informed.

Stow away on a cargo ship

Just can’t live without taking a trip over the break? There’s an easy solution in stowing away in the holds of a cargo ship. There are usually at least a few docked in the ports on either side of Willamette. God knows where you might actually end up, but there’s a possibility it’d be somewhere exotic. As they say, beggars can’t be choosers…

Make a suit out of the old issues of the Vanguard

Five bucks goes to the first person that actually does this (not really, but you’d look pretty sweet).

Hunt for the undead

If you’ve got access to some kind of blunt object like a shovel or a two-by-four (landfills are good for this sort of thing), then you’re more than equipped for a good old-fashioned zombie hunt. While areas in or around graveyards or morgues are probably the best place to look, the undead are often found lurking in any dark or dirty place. Really, they can be found anywhere around nuclear radiation or viral outbreaks, or wherever warm flesh to eat can be found. Best hunted at night, because it’s scarier. Added bonus if you can get your hands on a chainsaw.