Your astrological vegetable

If you like vegetables, you might like horoscopes. Try them out.


Aries ?” cauliflower

    Once upon a time, cauliflower was pink – but when it was a child, it worried its friends would try to steal its color, or claim that their color was better. And the cauliflower thought that was bullshit. Thus, everyone’s favorite broccoli substitute decided to become white. In the same way, Aries will often feel everyone is out to get them, or out to steal or outdo their unique colors.

Don’t worry so much, Aries. Trust your friends and let your radiant beauty shine!


Taurus ?” brussels sprouts

    Everyone knows brussels sprouts are very boring. You can put butter on them, cake them with marshmallows or dip them in chocolate and they’ll still taste like donkey poo. By no means do people with a Taurus sun taste like donkey poo, but they do have a tendency to stagnate and feel discontent with what they do – just like brussels sprouts. Because stuff that tastes like ass will leave you discontent.

Find your most spontaneous friend and go do something exciting.


Gemini ?” corn

    Gemini are the cool kids of the zodiac – and they know it too. Because they’re the know-it-all trendsetters, they know that corn will be the next hot vegetable to hit the frozen food section. Be wary, though. Make sure you know the consequences of who you’re influencing, and make sure you give your close friends the right advice. For example, if you have a friend that happens to be a little – rotund – don’t advise them to wear a poncho. Ponchos make people look fat.


Cancer ?” carrots

    Who really knows why we peel carrots? Cancers do. And it’s because in order to get beyond their quiet, shy and reserved exterior, you have to peel off the rough and hairy surface. Try to not be so damned closed off from everyone. Open up to that person who has been trying to get to know you. You might find it more rewarding than you expect.


Leo ?” artichoke

    Leos know why they’re an artichoke. Artichokes are obviously the most noble of frozen vegetables because they’re the only ones with hearts. They also have all of those prickly leaves that could easily be the king’s knights. The comparison is impeccable.

Don’t assume too much about those close to you, and don’t poise your prickly leaves for attack quite yet – for your good friends may have merely made a foolish, easily forgivable mistake.


Virgo ?” mushrooms

    Like a virgin, mushrooms often go untouched. But Virgos should not play by those same rules, particularly in their work life. Something may be drastically changing at work, but try your best not to worry too much – everything will resolve itself. Please don’t fire me.


Libra ?” broccoli

    Broccoli is often bland unless you spice it up with some butter, or even – other vegetables. Libras can often be bland if they sit at home, playing video games and smoking cigarettes. Get out in the world! Find someone to spend the afternoon frolicking in a field with. Do your best not to let the weight of the world pull you down.


Scorpio ?” beans

    Like beans, Scorpios can often hit you when you’re not expecting it. They’ll sit around, quiet, taking everything in and then, two weeks later: BAM! You have a stinky mess of mean, nasty words. And like beans, nobody forgets it when Scorpios hit you with a stinky mess.

Scorpios, do your best to forgive and forget. If someone insults you, don’t wait to get back at them. Try not to get back at them at all.


Sagittarius ?” onions

    Sagittarians are the most likeable and easygoing of any of the zodiac. Onions are not necessarily the most likeable of vegetables, but they go with anything. And oftentimes, things a Sagittarius will say will sting like onion oil in your eye.

Be careful about what you say and whom you say it to, Sagittarians. It could get you in trouble with someone important, like your boss, without you even meaning it to.


Capricorn ?” potatoes

    I met a potato once that asked me for $5. When I lied, telling the potato I had no money, he developed a business scheme that convinced me that not only would I gain interest on my $5 respudsible investment, but I would be doing it for a good cause, too. Similarly, Capricorns are business oriented and should be wary of going to too much trouble for an extra dollar. Instead of trying to make more money, go out and treat yourself to a nice cup of coffee. If you’re feeling real crazy, you might even splurge for coffee and a doughnut.


Aquarius ?” pineapple

    I know pineapple isn’t a vegetable, but I don’t care. And neither will the Aquarians in the building. Pineapple is to vegetable as Aquarians are to sane: no one has found either case to be true yet. But most Aquarians are happy about that. It might be good to keep yourself in check – for a while at least. Let everyone think you’re just quirky, not wacko, and you should be fine.


Pisces ?” cucumber (pickle)

    Pisceans have the unique ability to shape-shift (rather, personality-shift) between cool cucumbers and spicy pickles. Ninety-five percent of the time, Pisceans are cool and sweet like cucumbers – but every once in a while, after sitting in vinegar and spices for too long, they get all harsh and, well, pickley. They might say something hurtful to someone they care about without meaning to. Don’t let all the vinegar in the world wear you down – stay happy and fresh!