Your movie forecast

Competency Rating (3.5/10): Ha, ha, ha – just kidding, it is, of course, again, another immaculate 10, or 10+, if you like, for it is of my incredible essence, my certain je ne sais quoi connection to the cosmos, to the universe, to God herself, or all gods, herselveses, that only proves that I am right, right, right, RIGHT, absolutement! All of the time. But seriously, it is just kind of creepy, non?

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But alas, mon amis, it is not all cr퀌�me-colored skin and 28-inch waistlines here at my factory of immeasurable beauty. No, I am sad to say that I, Madame Beignet de la Mort, the essence of Essence itself, the statuesque embodiment of all that is ideal, the one very being who shamelessly outcurves J-Lo’s ample derriere, (I have more crack than a jackhammer on cr퀌�me brul퀌�e) – yes I am, regretfully, sad. That’s right, mon amis, ton Madame es tr퀌�s mal.

And yes, some of you may say that it is the melancholy of the elite. To speak of a beautiful woman, who keeps separate sets of twins in different bedrooms at her villa, that her particular distresses may only include a sense of unease at her own immaculate figure and windswept hair, is then of no interest to me. And, in a way, you may be right, for you could never feel as isolated in a tower of beauty as I do. C’est impossible!

But enough about my problems; compared to the problems of this week’s film predictions I, Madame Beignet de la Mort, the forewoman at the factory of unspeakable attraction, am likely to feel lucky next to these abominations of celluloid.

Your Movie Forecast for the weekend of 6 February 2004:

“Barbershop 2”: Oh, the “Barbershop 2.” Where to begin? Well, for starters, you do not need to have a psychic connection with the cosmos or be a picture of perfection to predict that this sequel to the hilarious and subtle original is going to be a big pile of horse merde. How, Madame, you ask, do I not need your infinite wisdom and connection to the cinematic heavens to know that this film is going to be a huge, stinky, grotesque pile of horse merde? Well, mon petit amis, I will tell you how.

All one would have to do to know that this film will be a gigantic, stinky, grotesque, fly-covered, rotting mountain of horse merde, would be to look at all of the other sequels Ice Cube has made to his other successful and well-received comedies.

“Friday?” Good movie. “Next Friday?” A big pile of horse merde. “Friday After Next?” A gigantic, stinky, grotesque, fly-covered, rotting mountain of horse merde. All I have predicted is that “Barbershop 2” will skip the stage that “Next Friday” set by being a big pile of horse merde, and go directly to the mountainous, fly-covered, grotesque, stinky, and gargantuan lengths of horse merde that “Friday After Next” was. You see, mon petit amis, you do not have to be psychic or mirror-shatteringly attractive to do everything, it just helps.

“Miracle”: Oh wait! Wait! I know how this one ends! I PREDICT that the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team will, after overcoming some personal and professional shortcomings, surprise the entire world by beating the Soviet Union for the gold medal! Oh yes, I am totally right on this one! Oh wait! I remember where I saw that … It wasn’t in the cosmos, it was on the news in 1980, when I was making sweet, sweet, lesbian love to Goldie Hawn in an oceanfront hotel room on the island of Oahu. I bet you would have liked to see how that ended – eh, Kurt Russell? That night there were many miracles indeed.