Best, worst, most, least and whatever of Portland

Editor’s note:
Without even the slightest attempt at fair or balanced research,the intrepid Bradley Carroll, man about town, has relegated thefair city of Portland to a list of observations, rants and blindjudgments. Choncy Jones helped, if you can call it that, which Iwouldn’t.

Best place to see assholes: Northwest 23rd on a weekend night or”Bar-muda Triangle” in Old Town – White shoes and black jeans?Who the fuck do you think you are-Jerry Seinfeld?

Best place to get robbed: PSU bookstore – Eighty-five bucksfor a used copy of “Beloved”? It’d be cheaper to date a Woman’sStudies major.

Best fountain: that big waterfall one by the Keller Auditorium –What the hell is that called anyhow?

Best movie theater if you enjoy hearing people talk over themovie: Lloyd Cinemas – Like you need to hear the dialogue in”Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.”

Stinkiest hippies: those spare changing pigpens outside the headshop on 39th and Hawthorne – It’s just getting harder and harderto make those trust fund dollars last.

Best bad pizza: Rocco’s – Good God! I haven’t shit in aweek.

Worst good pizza: Pizzicato – You see, they use feta. That’sfancy cheese.

“Just add water” instant high-end art culture value-pack: thePearl District – Strip mall or gallery? Only your credit cardknows the difference.

Cutest public pool: Sellwood Pool – Everything in Sellwood iscute. Sooo Cute. Thank you, Reed College.

Best photo booth: The Red Light/Oaks Park mini arcade – Saycheese and look disaffected.

Best place to die: High Rocks on the Clackamas/end of the roadat the Washougal – Also best place to “discover” the newly deadcorpse of a drunken cheerleader.

Worst rent: your place – Bullshit, my place.

Best bike movement: Chunk 666 – Can’t argue that.

Worst bike movement: Zoo Bombers – Can’t argue that.

Biggest asshole: Fairly Honest Bill – More like Very SmellyBill.

New “cool” street: Southeast and Northeast 28th Avenue/NorthMississippi Street – The race is on: who can gentrify Portlandfaster?

Worst trend: red and white striped shirt with mom jeans. Runnerup: any style championed by bike messengers – When does ironyjust become bad taste?

“People still do that?” trend: ear stretching – I can put myfist through it.

Most picked-over clothing store: The Red Light- Eighty bucksfor a used Skid Row T-shirt? It’d be cheaper to date a Woman’sStudies major.

Most picked-over record store: Everyday Music – The onlyrecord collections that benefit here are the employees.’

Best place to spend $25 on two boxes of mac ‘n’ cheese and apack of franks: Zupan’s- You’re going to need a coupon forthat.

Just showing up is 90%, aka “not doing shit”: Stumptown coffeelocals – Pretty and caffeinated, a dangerously boringcombination.

Bets place to smoke: outside of Cramer Hall – Where all thereal learning gets done.

Best place to roll an SUV: Terwilliger curves – Get enoughpeople together and you can roll an SUV almost anywhere. Irecommend it.

Local stunt that needs to be done: jump off of the MorrisonBridge onto the Rose Festival ferris wheel – Second highestGresham-ite mortality rate next to crystal meth overdoses.

Best place to fall off a bike: anywhere on 10th and 11th avenuesdowntown near the streetcar tracks – They don’t call it the”Sled Of Dread” for nothing.

Stupidest “public” transportation of the future: OHSU tram –Opening soon: OHSU ski lodge and Swedish Bistro.

Worst Statue: Three-legged ball sac by Powell’s- Why ispublic art so teste-obsessed?

Best Trail Blazer: Rasheed Wallace forever –SHEEEEEEED!

Worst Trail Blazer: Bill Walton forever – Possibly the worstTrail Blazer in the history of the NBA – no, wait – theuniverse.

Give a dog a bone: Darius Miles – I’m not really a basketballplayer, I just play one on television.

Most irrelevant area of town: Rose Quarter – The BermudaTriangle of Portland traffic.

Best happy hour: Basement Pub’s $1 for two tacos with $1.75 16oz. beer – Two for a dollar? I’ll be back in an hour.

Best weekly: “The Dog Nose News” – The only paper that’llpiss on your leg.

Most ridiculous civic disagreement, distracting city leadersfrom Police shootings and rash unemployment: off-leash laws – Ihate dogs as much as the next guy, but let’s be realistichere…


“I want a killing machine in order to express my masculinity andbaseless paranoia.” –

pit bull owners – The Patriot Act in dog form.

“Leave me the fuck alone.” – to all signature gatherers –Spare changing for corporations.

“We are here all day, every day.” – OSPIRG – Lobbyists to thestars.

It’s gone too far: rock ‘n’ roll barbershops (all 8 of them)-No wonder all those hipsters all have the same haircut.

Slowest bus: the #19 down Burnside and Sandy – Second place:the #8 down fifteenth to Killingsworth.

Worst place to spend an afternoon: the DMV – It’s like a bankbut without the money or the free lollipops.

Best place to spend the afternoon: any local river – TheColumbia glows at night!

“Let me do it already” – pump my own gas – I think I’mqualified.

Best new breakfast spot: Genie’s – Also, best way to staydrunk all day.

Worst breakfast spot food-wise: My father’s place – Also,best way to stay on the toilet all day.

Best breakfast spot food-wise: Milo City Cafe – That’s right,Besaw’s, kiss my rosy red ass!

Weirdest gorilla ads: the “Portland, OR” arrows hanging from thetelephone wires downtown – By weirdest you mean best,right?

Vera’s best move: canning Kroeker – Why can’t someone shoothim by mistake for a change?

Vera’s worst move: being a bitch (Get well soon, though.) – Imiss you already, sweetie.

Meanest strippers: Union Jack’s – Tip well, livewell.

Least attractive strippers in the traditional sense of the word:Dino’s on lower Hawthorne – Uh, ever been to theSilverado?

“Oh shit, is that your little sister?” – –Yes, it is, perv.

Our marginal version of In and Out Burger: Burgerville – Nowmade with real Oregon beef.

Worst new restaurant: Boondoggles inside Plaid Pantry on MartinLuther King Jr. Boulevard and East Burnside – Best new funnyrestaurant name- Poondoggles. Heh.

Best place to pay $40 for a handful of baking soda and a burnteraser: Old Town under the Burnside Bridge – Whatever, man, itgets you high.

New street hippie youth spot: end of the south Park Blocks –Don’t tell S. Renee Mitchell. She’ll ruin it foreveryone.

Mom is in town: Japanese Gardens – Dad is in town: Mary’sclub.

Most boring story continuously updated by local media: strifebetween parking lot owners and the city – Also most boring “bestof” entry.

Most hate-filled columnists in the local media: Steve Duin, JohnCanzano (Oregonian), and Dwight James (Portland Tribune) –Hello, S. Renee Mitchell, anyone?