Dr. Shiv’s trashcan-brined roast turkey with Hornsby’s-tainted pan gravy

Look, everybody knows that Thanksgiving is fucked. But you know what’s not fucked? Anything that Dr. Shiv cooks, that’s what. Enjoy this scrumptious treat on Thanksgiving or anytime you want to get busy with a trashcan, but remember one thing: Nobody talks shit about Dr. Shiv’s cooking, nobody. If so, there may be more than this turkey getting carved, punk.

Brine time:
Gallons of water
1 pound Kosher salt
4 oz. cracked black pepper
A shitload of bay leaves
A smidgeon and then some of Ol’ Bay seasoning
Cayenne pepper
Some honey, oh yeah
Ice cubes

1 big-ass turkey (preferably free-range and/or organic)
Stick of butter @ room temperature
One plastic trashcan (preferably new and well washed, but whatever floats your boat, sicko)
1 teaspoon chopped fresh rosemary leaves
1 teaspoon chopped fresh sage leaves
A metal file or the hard edge of a cinderblock
5 cloves of garlic, hella minced
2 shallots, hella minced
A plastic toothbrush
Organic chicken or turkey stock
Extra-virgin olive oil, and plenty of it
A six pack of Hornsby’s Hard Apple Cider
A few apples cored and shanked
6 tablespoons flour
A few onions, chopped
Some sprigs of parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
One Simon and Garfunkel record

In the largest pot you can find add a lot of water, the salt, Ol’ Bay, peppers and bay leaves and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to a simmer and then stir in the sweet, sweet honey until smooth. Take it off the heat and add the ice cubes to help cool. When the brine is room temp add it to your trashcan. Depending on how big your pot is, you may have to do this a few times, until your trashcan is full of briny goodness. Dr. Shiv has a really big fucking pot. He just wanted you to know.

Wash your bird with water inside and out. Dr. Shiv prefers bottled, but you can use tap, he guesses. And for chrissake, remove the giblets and the neck from the chest cavity. When your turkey is clean, immerse the bird in the brine. You’re gonna need to weigh this bird down, so that it’s totally covered in the brine. Dr. Shiv does not recommend that you use a cinderblock or a mannequin head to weigh down your bird (don’t ask). Place your trashcan lid on your trashcan. Marinate 24 hours in your favorite shady place outdoors.

While your bird soaks up all of the briny goodness, take your plastic toothbrush and your metal file or hard edge. Chip the handle end of the toothbrush with the file or along the edge, taking great care to equally chip away either side of the toothbrush. Chip until the handle forms a fine, sharp point. Now, you have a shiv. And a shiv demands respect.

Twentty-four hours later, take two aspirin and remove your brined bird. Wash it clean, inside and out. Now, wash it clean again! Get it clean, goddamnit.

Preheat oven to 325��.

In shallow roasting pan place carrots, celery and shit.

Mix the butter, garlic, shallots, chopped rosemary and sage to make a compound butter. Using your damn hands, loosen skin from the breasts by slowly inserting your fingers between the skin and the flesh of that poor dead bird. Then rub the compound butter underneath the skin, massaging the cold, dead flesh until it’s all buttery.

Wash your hands, put Simon and Garfunkel on the hi-fi.

Stuff the ass cavity of the bird with the apples, onions, and sprigs of parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Pack it in there, like a carton of cigarettes going to Sing-Sing.

Put your bird, breast side up, on top of the veggies in the roasting pan. Tuck the wings underneath the body. Tie up the legs with kitchen twine. A rubber band is not kitchen twine. Dowse the bastard in olive oil and rub into the skin. Season lightly with salt and pepper.

Put your bird in the oven. Retire to your parlor and indulge yourself one sloe gin fizz. After an hour of cooking time, add one bottle of Hornsby’s Hard Apple Cider to the roasting pan. Baste your bird once an hour with a baster full of stock. Cover with a tin-foil tent.

Roasting time varies. Try to transcend it.

Insert meat thermometer by stabbing the bird in the thickest part of its thigh. Try to do this in one, definite stroke. Didn’t work? Fucking amateur. When the thing is cooked, the temp should be about 180�� on the thermometer. If the temperature is less than 180�� it might kill your guests, but hey, that’s really up to you.

Remove from pan and do a little dance. Let the bird be for about 20 minutes so that it can get all of its juices in order.

In the meantime, drink a Hornsby’s. Ummm, that’s good, isn’t it?

Do your best Anna Nicole Smith impression by skimming the fat from the pan juices with a spoon and then acting like a belligerent fool. Reserve 1/4 cup fat and mix with flour to create a roux. Place pan over medium high heat and deglaze pan with yet another bottle of Hornsby’s, making sure to scrap up all of the brown bits. Bring cider to a boil and remove from heat. In heavy-ass saucepan, whisk roux over low heat for a few minutes. Add two cups stock. Cook for 10 minutes or so, whisking occasionally for creamy smoothness.

Now you’re fucking rocking!

Try to imagine that your turkey has feelings and give it a name. Or write NO REMORSE on the finished product with edible body paint.

Carve turkey with shiv and serve while hot, hot, hot.