Shiv to Shank
This week, the “fair and balanced” Fox News reported that the FCC shocked 234 people over the age of five by loosening restrictions upon language which will now allow the word “fuck” to be broadcast in primetime. The decision came after rock star and timeless mullet enthuaist Bono uttered the dreaded “F” word on live televisionduring the Golden Globes. The FCC decided not to levy sanctions against the lisencees of the broadcast, deeming the word “fucking” to be an adjective, not offensive or explict. Only two hundred and thirty four people complained. This new freedom will finally allow every 11 o’clock news anchor to say what has always been on their mind, “U2 fucking sucks! Negativland fucking rules!” Fuck yeah.
On Wednesday, Gary Ridgway, the Green River killer pled guilty to fourty-eight counts of aggrivated murder, finally ending an epidemic which has plauged the Great Northwest for too many years: grunge rock.
At the recent “Rock the Vote” democratic presidential canidate symposium, Joe Liberman expresessed regret that he didn’t smoke marijuana. We, at the Shivtastic desk of Shankdom, also express regret that he didn’t partake of the sweet cerebral nectar of the dank devil weed as well. The national peace summit, meant to bridge the gap between poor young people or “greasers” and rich old people or “socs”, was considered the worst rave of the year.
In other democratic news, presidential canidate Howard Dean was recently quoted as saying he, “wants to be the canidate for every guy with a confederate flag on their pick-up truck.” Every guy with a confederate flag on their pick-up truck said that they are still voting for Gen. Robert E. Lee.
Last week, Rev. Stephen White of West Chester, Pennsylvania, a renown homophobic bigot, was arrested for soliciting oral sex from a fourteen-year-old boy with a twenty dollar bill. Let us repeat ourselves, last week, Rev. Stephen White of West Chester, Pennsylvania, a renown homophobic bigot, was arrested for soliciting oral sex from a fourteen-year-old boy with a twenty dollar bill. (These things just write themselves, people.) Beyond the solicitation charge, “Brother Stephen” is being charged as a hypocrite and fucking cheapskate. (Thanks FCC.)
Due to an array of unmarked pills, tabacco products, alcoholic beverages, inhalents, and just general consumption, we regret to inform you that we at the Shivtastic desk of Shankdom, must shiv ourselves for being too damn ill to produce your usual Tuesday edition of “From Shiv to Shank(tm).” Due to recent technological breakthroughs in cybernetic implants and growth hormones, we assure you that this will never happen again.