Stilted dialogue and sweet explosions
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
What it’s about: A troubled teen street racer moves to Tokyo to avoid a stay in jail. After arriving he becomes enamored with and involved in a special form of illegal street racing – drifting.
What to expect: When the original Fast and the Furious came out, street racing was a blooming fad. It is now almost constantly made fun of (deservedly so). This movie will undoubtedly be cut like an extended music video – complete with grating music and bouncing asses. Lead actors Lucas Black and Bow Wow (formerly Lil’) will have their work cut out for them, trying to do something interesting with a franchise no one cares about.
Should you go? No, absolutely not, unless you are near-death bored.
Nacho Libre
What it’s about: Based (loosely) on a true story, Jack Black plays a priest who moonlights as a Mexican wrestler in order to save an orphanage.
What to expect: Written and directed by Jared Hess, the person who brought Napoleon Dynamite to the big screen, Nacho Libre promises to continue with the same awkwardly funny, weird characters seen in Hess’ previous movie. Jack Black is one of those love-him-or-hate-him actors, so if you love his past work (School of Rock, etc.) then you will love this movie.
Should you go? Yes, even if it’s only to get the jokes that will surely be quoted ad nauseam for months on end.
Click
What it’s about: Adam Sandler plays a man who somehow gets a hold of a universal remote control that can control everything in life. Hilarity (and drama) ensues when the contraption goes haywire and arbitrarily decides when to fast forward and when to go backwards.
What to expect: The premise for this movie is so unabashedly idiotic that it’s almost impossible to critically consider it. Click is pure summertime silliness and exactly the type of movie one would expect Adam Sandler to be a part of.
Should you go? Only if the other choice is The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Nights.
Superman Returns
What it’s about: The title pretty much gives this one away; Superman Returns is about Superman – returning. He was gone for five years and now he’s back in Metropolis, only to find Lex Luthor up to his old tricks.
What to expect: Untested newcomer Brandon Routh comes into the fold as the famous Superman, and it is unclear exactly how he will handle the part. Director Bryan Singer did an excellent job with the first two X-Men movies, so Superman Returns has a good chance of being a quality film.
Should you go? Yes, a true summer blockbuster in every sense of the word, Superman Returns should be an entertaining spectacle of special effects.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
What it’s about: Captain Jack Sparrow owes the infamous Davey Jones a blood debt, and sets out to find a way to pay it off with a gang of returning characters from the previous Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
What to expect: Much like the last movie in this series, you can expect much swashbuckling and Johnny Depp’s drunken drawl. The special effects look impressive judging by the trailer, and with the same crew from the last (excellent) movie, Dead Man’s Chest looks like it will be one of the kings of summer blockbuster season.
Should you go? Yes, because everyone loves pirates, especially ones with tentacle beards.
Clerks II
What it’s about: The follow-up film to Kevin Smith’s critically acclaimed first movie about two slackers who work at a convenience store and tell dick and fart jokes.
What to expect: This movie is Smith pandering to his base after losing almost every fan he ever had with super bomb Jersey Girl. The complete cast from all those previous movies including Jay and Silent Bob will almost definitely show up. I guess Smith really lives by the motto, “if ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Should you go? Yes, but only if you have liked all of the other Kevin Smith movies or you are partial to a good joke about genitalia (and who isn’t?).
Miami Vice
What it’s about: A remake/reintroduction of the classic ’80s TV show about two vice cops (one white, one black) who infiltrate the dangerous world of Florida drug lords.
What to expect: With Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell as the two leads in this feature-length adaptation of a crappy ’80s TV show, there is only one thing to expect: a terrible, terrible movie. Also, there will be explosions, lots of explosions.
Should you go? Maybe, some people love extremely generic, idiotic movies. That is what summer blockbusters are all about, but this movie might be too much.
Snakes on a Plane
What to expect: If you have ever been on the internet you should already know, but Snakes on a Plane is destined to be the best movie of the summer. After Samuel L. Jackson announced that he was attached to this film, the “blogosphere” took it and ran with it. Expect Jackson to say “motherfucker” and the various forms thereof quite often. Unless the death toll is zero and the CGI is like sludge, this movie is bound to become a cult classic based on pre-movie hype alone.
Should you go? Yes, because you want to be able to tell your grandchildren about the time you saw Samuel L. Jackson say “there are snakes on the mutha’ fuckin’ plane!” on the big screen.
