Let’s face it – ever since Bill Walton’s scraggly, red beardseduced Portlanders back in ’77, all of Rip City has been dying tobe a part of Paul Allen’s $280 million toy.
In his tenure as general manager, self-proclaimed non-chemistrymajor Bob Whitsitt lowered the standards so far that at times itappeared that all you had to do to don the black and red uniformwas show up with a joint in one hand and your rap sheet in theother.
Despite the seemingly golden opportunity to play for the belovedhometown team, Portland fans revolted and Allen brought in a newregime to clean up the mess. Now the standards have supposedly beenraised.
Using only the current players pasts as evidence of what theorganization is looking for, I’ve developed a questionnaire to helpidentify the next generation of Blazer superstars.
All questions are multiple-choice (we are talking aboutbasketball players). Some have multiple correct answers but onlyCHOOSE THE BEST answer and then determine your score using theguide at the end.
1) Having a pound of marijuana at your house is:
a) a sign that you may have an addiction
b) great, if you can get away with it
c) no big deal
d) a sign that supplies are low
2) Dogs are:
a) fluffy balls of fur and fun
b) about as interesting as the WNBA playoffs
c) protection for your bling-bling
d) vicious fighting machines
3) After a heated practice, a teammate with a criminalhistory starts yelling in your friend’s face. You:
a) go about your own business
b) get behind your friend and look tough
c) distract the criminal by bragging about sleeping with hismom
d) sneak up behind the criminal and sucker punch him in theface
4) Upon leaving a night club you notice a scratch on yourcar. You:
a) shrug it off
b) try to find witnesses, fix it later
c) file an angry police report, demand follow-up
d) punch a random guy in the face, break his jaw
5) It’s OK to steal guns
b) It ain’t a crime if you don’t get caught.
d) Only if they are already stolen
6) Foul :: Playing basketball
a) Smoking weed :: Driving
b) Drinking :: Driving
c) Speeding :: Driving
d) None of the above
7) Driving home after hot-boxing your car a policeman stopsyou for driving too slowly on the freeway. You:
a) provide license and registration, come clean about drug use
b) bust out air freshener, Visine, Altoids and “How may I help youofficer?”
c) ask the officer, “What if I drive a little faster?”
d) give the officer your trading card and offer to autograph it
8) Nannies are:
a) a godsend for working parents
b) college drop-outs
c) hotties looking to earn extra cash
d) easily coerced sex slaves
9) When someone refuses to have sex with you, you:
a) forget it, there are other fish in the sea
b) snap your fingers in that fool’s face
c) offer more money
d) force them
10) Your younger brother, free on bail for a handgun charge,invites you to a notorious nightclub. You notice that he is takinga gun. You:
a) explain why guns are bad and that he needs to change hisreckless ways
b) make a joke to diffuse the tension
c) tell him the gun is a good idea but shouldn’t be loaded
d) put on your throwback jersey and jump in the car with him
If you answered c or d, go to question 11, if not skip to12
11) While awaiting trial on a DUII charge, you accompany youryounger brother to a local nightclub. After he shoots three peoplein front of you, the cops ask you what happened. You:
a) explain exactly what happened and emphasize you weren’tinvolved
b) call your lawyer, refuse to talk
c) flee the scene
d) lie to investigators multiple times
12) Cheech and Chong are
a) funny comedians
c) Washed-up actors
d) Role models
13) An acceptable number of run-ins with law enforcement in aseven month period is:
14) Marijuana is legal in Oregon if:
a) a doctor prescribes it
b) you smoke in private residences
c) you don’t pay for it
d) you score 20 points or grab 10 rebounds
Subtract two points for every “a”
Subtract one point for every ‘b”
Add two points for every “c”
Add four points for every “d”
Add one point for each time you’ve been arrested, add another ifyou were convicted
Add one point for every ounce of weed you’ve smoked in the lastmonth
Subtract five points if you carry your license and registration inyour car
Subtract two points if you don’t own a gun
<10 Give it up. You’re way too classy for this team.
10-25 Shouldn’t you be checking in with your parole officer?
25-35 Keep the dream alive! More weed and more crimes and you mightbe a Blazer.
35-45 Pick a number, you’re signed! Who says crime doesn’t pay?
46+ Umm…maybe you should go…now.