The Street Savage

Nobody gets my fucking goat! If there is, there’ll be hell to pay, so Satan better pay up like Lando pays in Millennium Falcon, or else I’ll be madder’n a hatter high on mercury!

Anonymous 1

What gets you fired up?Like mad?

Yes. Like people who do things that’re just stupid for no reason, like stupid and idiotic.

What’s stupid and idiotic? Like why would they think tha’ was OK, like for no reason. And iss jus like-I dunno, iss hard to explain until it happens.

What was the last time you experienced something that was not OK? Uhm…when my roommate used my towel to mop up the floor. Then hung it back up, that really grinded my gears.

I was gonna ask that question too, so that grinded you gears, eh? Was there a train wreck? We handle our problems pretty smoothly.

There was no fist as a train going to someone’s face? No, not for a while. Last time I did that I got beat up by three guys and suffered a fractured skull and ruptured eardrum.

Who were the guys? I don’t know, I was really drunk and I don’t remember it happening, so it cleared my clock for a while. But one of the guys liked a girl that was a friend of mine and I was really drunk and she was gonna take me home but there was no sexual tension at all. But he made some snide remark. Being drunk and a little fired up I just train-wrecked it. And then him and all his buddies crashed my airplane.

How many survivors were there? About 20 brain cells.

Well, on a lighter note, what floats your boat? Happy moments. People that you really enjoy, being around them and just relaxing, and family and good times. Kittens.

Wha…I don’t know “float your boat,” that can be taken in so many different ways but you said “kittens”… Well, I was just kidding. It’s just anything that makes you feel happy, man. Why put yourself in situations that you don’t enjoy and be around people you don’t like? Especially when you could easily secure yourself around areas that you feel comfortable.

Strip clubs? I don’t like strip clubs.

Gay bars? I don’t mind gay bars too much. I have friends who are gay.

Anonymous 2

Do you have to take my picture?

No, it’s totally anonymous…I don’t know who you are…anonymous person answer me this question…what…uh…gets your goat? About PSU?

In general. But I guess you could say about PSU…yeah, let’s go with that, about PSU. Uhm…lack of wheelchair accessibility.

Should, uh…disabled, I mean differently-abled people…Oh wait, can I have a different one?

Sure. Lack of childcare.

Uhm…so lack of childcare gets your goat? Yeah.

Should PSU hire, uhm…German shepherds to make sure that your goat is not got by the childcare people? German shepherds?

So the goats won’t be got. Sure, yes.

That would benefit childcare? Yes.

Vicious ones? As long as they’re not around they-are they gonna be around the kids?

Yes, ’cause it’s childcare they have to be around the kids. Oh, you mean you want the German shepherds to take care of the children?

Uhm…no, I wanna make sure that people don’t get goat of the childcare providers at PSU, so that the children are safe. You’re getting my goat. I mean I know you’re a nice guy but right now…

You’re eating ice cream. [writer’s note: this is not a metaphor for anything, Anonymous 2 actually was eating ice cream] Yougottagetupoutmygrill.

I gotta what? YOU GOTTA GET UP OUT MY GRILL!

[pause] Am I on fire? ‘Cause I just burned you, you mean?

Anonymous 3

What grinds your gears? People on bikes and pedestrians. I’m a car driver. I think it’s just accommodating. There are some real abrasive people on bikes and on foot that-I know they have the right of way but they give you that look of entitlement. I would just assume that if a car can kill you, you would want to look out for it whether or not you’re in the right or not.

What floats your boat? Snow days at school, and the sun being out, nice weather, summer weather.

I’m imagining a boat on a sea of sun and snow? That doesn’t make sense at all. I’ll stick with sun then.

OK. That still doesn’t make sense. Summer.

I don’t think a boat can float on summer. It can float during summer…So we’re literally floating a boat?

Yes, so if you had to name a substance that would literally float a boat, what would it be? Let’s go with…

Chicken and dumplings? Cake.

That’s some delicious sea. [laugh] Yeah, a man overboard doesn’t have too hard of a time in a sea of cake!

Yeah, he doesn’t, he gets really fat though! Then the cake shark comes and eats him. I definitely like my cake.

Well, you know the cake shark comes and eats him, he’s made out of chocolate. That’s fine, we’ll catch him and add him to the mix.

He would be a good topping, but his insides are all indigested fish. Yeah, I’d have to work on that one.

What are you gonna do about that one? I’m gonna save that for somebody else, like the bikers.

Especially the Lucifer’s Lords, they’re a mean bunch. Bicyclists, I should say. Bikers can do what they want.

‘S OK, man, I’m Wandering Aces all the way, you dig? Yup.

I dig you man, stay real!