Guess what, kiddies? It’s that special time of year again! Yes, that’s right, it’s that time to get drunk, wear a wig, don a hastily thrown-together costume and pass out mini-boxes of Nerds to young, sober children in methodically planned-out costumes that resemble characters from “Shrek” or Jack Osbourne. “South Park” and “Pokemon,” we hardly knew ye.
So next Thursday, as you’re waiting by the door, Coors Light in hand, listening to the faint sounds of “Fairies Wear Boots” by Black Sabbath as it emits from your well-placed boom box just behind the bushes, why not watch a movie to kill the time in-between trick-or-treaters? This week, Biff has assembled a countdown of his top 10 Halloween movies of all time to serve this very purpose. These films can also be played in the front window to entertain/permanently scar young children.
10. “Evil Dead II” and “Army of Darkness.” I have included both of these fine films to avoid the endless debate between which one is better. Personally, ol’ Biff has to go with “Army Of Darkness,” but then certain folks out there will call you a sell-out and say the big budget ruined the whole thing. These people need a life. Either way, Bruce Campbell can always brighten up a Halloween, especially when he’s got a chainsaw for an arm.
9. “Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter.” It just wouldn’t be Halloween without Corey Feldman. Biff tossed and turned and turned and tossed over which Feldman masterpiece to include here. Although “The Lost Boys,” “Voodoo” and “Bordello of Blood” all fit the bill, this film is a true Feldman classic. Corey looks if he’s about 11 in this creepy Jason movie and serves as the main character against the evil Jason, who, you guessed it, is killing fornicating teenagers. Biff’s favorite moment: As a young football-playing-type individual is being repeatedly perforated by Jason with a huge carving knife, he informs his on-looking girlfriend, “He’s killing me! He’s killing me!” Ohhh, that’s what he was doing. I’m glad he clarified that one. Idiot.
7. “The Exorcist.” Just so you know, “Scream,” “Carrie,” “Christine,” “Fright Night,” “Dracula” and any other obvious Halloween-related movie will not be on Biff’s list. It’s not because I’m ultra-cool and don’t watch these movies, or recommend them for that matter, it’s just that Biff respects your intelligence enough to assume you’re already aware of their existence. However, I couldn’t have a self-respecting Halloween list without “The Exorcist.” Linda Blair is awesome. I don’t care if it’s young Blair or old Blair, she just plain rules, and she is ruling all over this one. If you can, grab the updated special edition with the added scenes and digital enhancement stuff. Biff went to see this one in the theater a ways back and it scared his pants off. Especially the added-in Blair-coming-down-the-stairs-upside-down scene. That was just not right.
6. “Silver Bullet.” Stephen King never had such a stroke of brilliance. Actually, it was director Daniel Attias who cast uber-actor Corey Haim alongside naturally freaky Gary Busey. This one’s all about werewolves and wheelchairs and makes for some damn good waiting-for-the-trick-or-treaters viewing. Peep Haim’s super-powered wheelchair with a motor and a windshield. Unbeatable. Busey hasn’t been this creepy since his starring role in “Carny.” This movie is Halloween-ariffic!
Stay tuned next week for part 2 as Biff delivers what he believes to be the top five Halloween movies of all time. Until then, take this simple advice: Don’t go to a Halloween party dressed as “yourself.” That’s lame.