Notes from the underground

MTV decides Europe doesn’t hate us enough

In an unprecedented move, MTV, in accordance with its own deceptive network name, has decided to uproot Jersey Shore to Italy.

Entering its fourth season, Jersey Shore, for those of you with actual refined palates, is a pretty terrible TV show about a group of trashy orange people from New Jersey who yell at each other, fight, lift weights and have sex—constantly. Essentially, the show is like a trailer park with sand and vats of Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil.

Since the characters on the show are self-described “guidos,” that is, of Italian descent, MTV decided to ship them back over to Italy where they can make idiots of themselves as far away from us as possible while still keeping up the New Jersey illusion of fantastic scenery.

On the flipside of this coin, MTV could really start a successful backhanded beach cleanup program: Ship all the trash to Italy. That’s what they get for giving us art snobs.

Was Michael Jackson murdered?

Well, enough people think so to see Conrad Murray dragged into court. He’s been in and out of legal trouble ever since it was discovered that he gave Michael Jackson a bunch of anesthetic the day of his death.

Finally, a trial date has been set, and because of the money and celebrity involved, it’s months away, of course. The trial is set to begin exactly two months from today, which is proof positive that America’s legal system holds alleged manslaughterers in a much, much higher regard than, say, people who spraypaint on abandoned buildings.

But wait, there’s more shore!

Mainstream America just can’t get enough of “Jersey Shore,” those loveable spiky-headed goons keep everyone talking. And finally, joining the elite ranks of “Joanie Loves Chachi,” “The Cleveland Show” and other offshoots of shows that age terribly, add Snooki and JWoww.

The two starlets of the JS cast are about to get their own spinoff show, where they pretend to like each other and get in fights about eating each other’s food and refilling the toilet paper holder.

Portlanders are excited for a show about roommate infighting, because Portland’s hip elite all live in huge houses with twenty other people. In essence, this new reality show about roommate squabbles mirror their lives in ways “Portlandia” never could.